Sex Parties Radicalized Me

watching other people fuck snaps the world into focus

I have been watching people fuck for a long time. I am not talking about watching porn, I am talking about seeing bodies come together in real life. As in someone in the next bed over from me muff diving like there is no one else in the world, much less in the room we are sharing. I am talking about being in the room pretending to be sleep while someone slips themselves inside of another, whisper grunting to not “wake me up.” I am talking taking a break from a threesome and masturbating in a corner while watching my lover and new friend look like lifelong partners, pretending like I didn’t introduce them to each other just a few hours ago. I will be 48 in two weeks and I saw my friends fuck for the first time when I was 15, so when I say I have seen it, I do so with great authority.

All of that witnessing, yet it was the sex parties that radicalized me.

I found my way to my first real sex party in the 2006. I was flirting with a man at the bar while we watched football. We were living in Hawaii at the time and NFL games come on around 2pm, so we are talking tipsy by 3pm. He was wearing a Phillies hat and I was wearing an Eagles tank, so it was a flirt of convenience.

In full transparency, I flirt because I think the world should be reminded of what it’s like to be desired often, so I wasn’t trying to get anything out of it. I revel in the energy of flirtatiousness and bring it with me every where I go.

By halftime, he suggested I should meet his wife Riba. He talked about how amazing she was and since I was fairly new to Hawaii he thought we would make great friends. He was right, because she and I are still friends and have only stopped sleeping together about 8 years ago.

I started dating his wife and he would accompany most times but I have spent most of my life as a radically anarchist unicorn so our visits were infrequent. All of our jobs kept us busy enough to maybe make it to each others beds once every 6-8 weeks. We would binge on each other though during those visits, spending the entire weekend together, butt ass naked and forgetting about responsibility until Monday called us back into adulthood.

One Monday, as I rose with the sun to make my way back down the street to my apartment, Riba told me about a party at one of the big houses across the street from their cottage in Lanikai and invited me to join her on Saturday. I don’t remember if she ever used the word swinger or sex, but somehow I just knew I was in for some wild shit. I didn’t know it would challenge my mind and my body to reevaluate everything I knew about sexual pleasure.

It wasn't until I stumbled upon sex parties that were full of married couples who actually liked each other, that I truly began to understand the radical potential of embodied consent and the power only found in a space safe enough to ask for what you want. This radicalized me.

I want to pause the story to inform you that neither Riba nor her husband are Black. The only other Black person to live in the neighborhood was Wally Amos (yes, from Famous Amos Cookies) and he never appeared at any sex parties. I was always the only one. That feels important to name as all of the non-sex work sex I had ever had up until this era was exclusively with Black lovers.

Creator: Benjamin Lozovsky/BFA.com | Credit: Benjamin Lozovsky/BFA.com ©BFA

I watched the first time. I felt like a little girl ready to jump double-dutch, waiting for the top rope to turn so that I could jump in, but too scared to get smacked in the face to do anything, so I just watched. I watched couples negotiate consent with each other and with potential fuck buddies, I watched emotions at their peaks and valleys, and I got to know an erotic pace I was unfamiliar with. At these parties, held in large homes with plenty of bedrooms and couches to play on and in, there was food at the center of it all. Massive, Martha Stewart Living style spreads that encouraged the partygoers to take a break in the open concept kitchen and converse over food under brighter lights than the other rooms offered.

Sex, at its heart, is a conversation. A wordless dialogue between two bodies, a negotiation of space, rhythm, and intention. And like any good conversation, it requires active listening, clear communication, and a respect for boundaries that didn’t feel available to me in normal heterosexual encounters. Watching these couples flirt, play, offer, decline and accept was for me a masterclass in navigating consent, a crash course in power dynamics, and a radical re-imagining of how we connect with others.

But there was something else.

I watched how they were with each other and I realized I had never watched married people fuck. There was a different level of care that I experienced even as the Unicorn. I had previously only experienced a style of man on woman sex that was deeply invested in the idea of leading and following, making sex with men feel rigid, almost prescriptive. But as I watched this new dance, where the man was now watching the mother of his children get her back lovingly blown out by his neighbor, I realized that these roles weren't about dominance and submission. Instead, they offered a framework for exploring the fluidity of power. The "leader" — which could be anyone — makes the proposition, but the "follower" has agency in how they interpret and respond. A good leader listens to the follower's subtle cues, adjusting their lead based on the follower's comfort and enjoyment. A good follower doesn't passively obey; they actively engage with the lead, honoring their own desire in the moment.

I was witnessing the radical idea that consent can be withdrawn at any moment, and that even a "yes" can be tentative, conditional, or influenced by power imbalances live and in-person. I was seeing how this shifted the pleasure gap, making it almost invisible.

I was learning how moving from partner to partner further complicates and enriches this dynamic, without removing the possibility of it. With each new sexual partner came a fresh negotiation of consent and connection. At these parties you learn to read people quickly, to assess their energy and intentions, and to make choices about who you want to fuck based on mutual attraction and respect. It’s the sexiest lesson in setting boundaries gracefully, in saying "no, thank you" without feeling the need to offer an explanation. And it’s a lesson in the joy of saying "yes," of opening yourself to new experiences and orgasmic potential.

Perhaps the most radical aspect of these sex parties is what happens when you take your pleasure into your own hands and the emphasis on asking for what you want. In a world that often discourages us from expressing our desires, these parties provided a safe space to practice. The only way to know if a desire will be fulfilled is to ask, and the more we practice asking for what we want in erotic spaces with strangers, the more comfortable we become doing it in other areas of our lives.

This is how I became this erotic radical.

By disrupting the rigidity of power dynamics that heteronormative sex pushes forward.

By tearing down the belief that heterosex means allowing oneself to be a surrogate for the resentment and disrespect a man has for his mother.

By witnessing non-monogamy through an understanding of consent and not as a restrictive set of rules.

By seeing queerness as as a dynamic and creative process.

By feeling into connection that requires vulnerability, communication, and a willingness to listen deeply to ourselves and others.

By fucking my friends spouses.

Sharing sex with friends is a dance of power, not in the sense of domination, but in the sense of empowerment. And it’s a reminder that pleasure, connection, and mutual respect are not just possible, but essential ingredients for a more sensual and playful life.

Amina lives most of her days by the Pacific Ocean in Panama now, and is figuring out how to help heal co-dependency in relationship, one friendly fuck at a time. Learn more about her and her silly erotic work at www.atltantra.org or on Netflix’s Sex, Love and goop.