Witness Protection
A 7-step guide to help you vet the people you date.
This month I’ve been having some beautiful conversations about dating, vetting, standards, boundaries and discernment. In my years of working as a sex coach, I have learned a lot about myself and others when it comes to dating, especially in this era of dating apps.
One of the things I learned about myself is I am a particular brand of old hoe. I grew into my sexuality boots in the gay 90’s and spent significant time developing the enjoyable life skill of flirting. Because of this, I hate dating apps. There is no value to flirting in a space where every one seems desperate for communication. It’s lazy, uninspired dating where people have the opportunity to misrepresent themselves unchecked. I have no idea how or why it is so popular, but here we are. I am only giving you a bit of insight to my disdain for online dating so that you know that what I am about to offer might not work well for those of you dating through the apps. If you are spending hours in text with a stranger you met online, or going to dinner date after dinner date, let’s face it—you don’t give a rats ass about vetting.
If that is not you (or it is but you are ready to change) then this little banter will serve you a bit.
Recently someone shared a video with me about “vetting” while dating and it was just along list of questions, each of which if answered truthfully would point to a box to check on a list of what I want from a lover. That is one big ass IF.
Have you ever dressed up the truth in an interview?
In reality, when confronted with questions about our character, we humans talk a bit more about the person we are striving to be, rather than how we are actually showing up in the world.
Because of this I will always avoid these questionnaire style dates like the plague thank you very much. I am not sitting through an interrogation and I am not subjecting anyone to one. ‘How you feel’ is valued over ‘how you’re doing’ in my life. The person who can talk about their experiences and how they have felt throughout their life will always offer me way more valuable insight than any list I can cook up.
Dating is vetting, but not in the way that you see these so called dating experts lay out. Dating is the time we get to know someone and you can only truly get to know someone by witnessing them. This won’t happen in text message or via phone. You won’t get much of it sitting across the table from them in a dinner or at a movie theater. These are things you see by interacting with them and seeing how they interact with the world. Opportunities to gain valuable information that allows you to compare the way you feel around them to other pleasant or not-so-pleasant experiences.
To help with this, I came up with a easy to follow 7-step practice for vetting WHILE dating: S.M.I.T.T.E.N. It is a simple formula that keeps you at the center of your dating. One that allows you to enjoy the new relationship energy (NRE) but not get lost in it. Dating is witness, and this is how we witness in seven, easy to remember steps:
See with your own eyes. Witness their behavior in the world.
How do they handle stress? What responses do they have available to them when they are activated? The value of having depth and range of emotions impacts our ability to be in relationship with each other. This is what gives us not only the capacity to empathize, connect, and understand each others but also the ability to navigate social situations, resolve conflicts, and make decisions from our center.Meet their people. Watch how they interact in love. Watch how those who know them treat them (how they allow themselves to be treated) and what boundaries look like for them in familial and platonic relationships. When we witness the person that we are dating, we get to actively see them in their joyous celebrations as well as in those connections that are difficult or painful. Our nervous system is a part of the vetting process and this process can deepen our understanding of our own emotions while fostering a sense of connection (or disconnection which is just as important to feel).
Intuit the connection from within. Intuition is the math our body performs with all five senses being listened to. Pay attention. We are so busy to trying to think our way into relationships, that we are ignoring the body’s wisdom. Sensations are the language, each of our senses like antennae, constantly receiving and interpreting the world around us. The more we learn to tune into these sensations, the easier it is to tap into the knowledge that exists beyond the conscious mind. We are better at vetting when we trust our body and allow its wisdom to guide our actions and decisions. When we let go of the list, we get to live more fully in the present moment, connect with our primal wisdom and move towards authentic and whole connections with the person we are dating (and see when that shit ain’t available).
Talk about your experiences, feelings, where you find joy. Real G’s may move in silence, but they also are lonely as fuck. Allow yourself to share parts of your story without worrying to much about whether or not that person can let you take up space. See how the person you are dating takes advantage of opportunities to insert their experience or knowledge into a conversation. Revealing core parts of your identity invites them to reveal their’s. See how they respond to the invitation.
Take without giving. Allow yourself to receive a gift without having to do anything. Accepting what we want when it's offered to us can be challenging, but the need to always give back to someone who has given to you is a trauma response and waters the seeds of unworthiness. Allow them to give you a gift and just see what it feels like in your body to receive from them. Also, asserting what we want and accepting it when offered is a powerful affirmation of our self-worth. It sends a message to ourselves and others that we value our needs and desires, that we are worthy of pleasure and fulfillment. Make a request and allow them to say yes (or no) to it. See how they respond to a request; are they able to offer a response —whether it is a no or yes— with a full heart or do they get defensive.
Enjoy their company. Not in that silly ass High School crush way, but in a way that you can clearly articulate. Ask yourself probing questions, like ‘How do you know you enjoy them?’ and ‘What it is that you enjoy about being in their presence?’ Use language that speaks to your actual feelings and not ‘it feels like…” statements, so that you are able to experience clarity. The world runs of vagueness, your dating life shouldn’t.
Notice what all this feels like inside. We process through the body, yet try to think our way through life. Spend time in your feelings. This awareness is the first step in understanding our emotional landscape and responding effectively to it. It's about observing without judgment, being curious, and compassionate towards our own experiences. Through body-based practices, like mirror-work and witnessing ourselves, we can cultivate a deeper connection with our desires and learn to honor them without guilt or shame.
SMITTEN is a journey towards embodied assertiveness in dating (and in life), an act of self-love and a testament to our worthiness. When we pay attention to the way that we feel around the people we are entertaining, we can notice patterns and triggers, gaining valuable insights into our emotional responses.
Dating is a chance to notice our own feelings and witness the response our prospect has to their own feelings. This is how we offer ourselves the ultimate protection in dating: becoming the witness. It can also guide our decision-making—which seems to be a common flaw in the world of dating — helping us align our choices with our authentic selves.